red eyes and easter bunnies

basically this is what's up these days. When I got to Oha're airport, reality really hit me. My father got laid off, and so he is unemployed currently. We are thinking about moving back to Michigan because of it. There's more jobs for him out there than here. Honestly I am getting used to the idea that I am once again moving. I am only moving for the sole purpose of my mother's dreams. She wants to open a little shop that sells take out Japanese foods. I really need to find a university that is compatible to what my major is. My surrounding unstableness is really kicking off my education in a soilpot. I just want to learn and get a degree out of it- and get a stable job. Life is unpredictable... but I guess I can make my own choices from now on. I sound rather dreary in this blog but honestly, I think it's only because I'm telling it to you guys for the first time. Anyways, I am still going to Japan this summer even if it makes me feel like we don't have the money for it anymore. My sister really needs to be assisted during the long flight so. I don't want to plan about my future anymore because nothing is solid until I'm off my parent's plan. I want to be optimistic again though... I'm getting there.

jam jam

I suppose there's been alot going on.
-Let's see, I've been trying to get
my friend employed(he is Chinese) and he speaks in broken English.
You cannot believe how hard it is to get a job if you can not speak
fluent english in this town. So we are going to apply like crazy this saturday.
He also wanted to get a library card so that he can get some beginner's books to enhance his vocabulary.
-I have to voleenteer 20 hrs for my intro to Social Work class, so I can get
my credit from there. I'm thinking about teaching illierate people how to read.
Agh! There is just so many things I need to accomplish yet I feel like my body is so slow! It's running out of batteries or something. Oh a good tradition I've been starting is that I've been packing my own lunch. I try to eat greens/veggies everyday because it feels like it gives me much more energy. I try to cut on my carbs and not eat as much sugar..(which is quite hard) I try to listen to my belly if it's really hungry or not and that helps alot! haha..
Anyways, compared to you guys I feel like I am doing nothing artistic!haha.. really- I think the most artsy thing I do is doodle in my notes during lectures- har har. well well I can not wait for next saturday:D I can't believe it's already next week that I get to visit you guys! My co-worker was telling me about how we have next friday off and I just remembered that that saturday I was going to fly to Georgia:D crazy how time is...

man, do I feel like a woman.

My throat feels a little soar, but it's getting better.
I'm addicted to America's best dance crew... what an amazing show.
Whoever can dance is awssome. I've been jamming to the shows, but
boy I probably look like a goof.
I can't believe it's already march. March is thaaa season of spring, but
Illinois's been snowing quite a bit. It hasn't stopped snowin. Life is going
too quicky it seems. I've just really been fooling around this week, and not
doing as much- but I think this weekend I'm going to study my brains out.
All my classes have been pretty smooth. I just can't wait for Spring break
honestly, I need my homies.. hahahaa
a
n take care homies!
y
w
a
y

smoking red roses

I started casually smoking again.. although I don't think it's bad- because I do not smoke that often. Just when I go to the shows, and when I'm thinking.
I recieved the prettiest roses on Valentines.. I'm so scared of it wilting because of the fragileness of my relationship between myself and B. I have to say it's not the greatest.
The shows that I go to are actually making me have like a permanent high. I'm not exactly sure why.
I heard one of the most beautiful cries in a song- (I forgot the song name but it is by a band named MewithoutYou.)
I met this girl in class and we started to hang out. She's the one that let me hear the song. For some reason I relate with her better than the girls around me. I really love it when females are more masculine. Sometimes the "I don't give a shit" attitude is necessary.
I miss home.

subtle suffocation

Growing apart fruits,
there comes a time when the roots separate,
and then we have time to think
then, who are you truly?
lifted away from the branch,
and you finally set foot on your own,
that is when you realize that it is
then, time for you evolve or to rot....

So, I am single now. I'm not sure if my heart's become solid, but I don't have intense emotions. Right when it happend, subtle tears came flowing down, but it wasn't the right amount of tears. Although I miss the company, I'm beginning to think it was for our own futures. He's going to Chicago to become something big, I'm going to go somewhere else to become something. I feel like there is much more time needed for me to travel and discover different people.
I can't really say I'm depressed, because I feel like I've blocked that kind of statis. Being depressed means months of recovering, and I don't need that in my life right now. More like I don't want that in my life, because I can't concentrate on anything if I am in that situation.
I've become to realize the comfort of being independent. It's nice to actually be ok, being on your own. I'm able to notice who I am more because I'm not putting that effort towards someone else.

I think I have a curse, I never have a boyfriend on V-day.
It's ok though, I'm against V-day. Capatalists trying to snag money on all of us!

donnnnasourus is back

I got free earrings and a cute aligator.
I'm debating if I should go to Japan for the fall semester, or just transfer..
but I feel like I'm rushing myself into a
university. I don't know what my major is yet.... decisions, decisions... it'll come. I'm in no hurry.

Don't be offended Boys and Girls

I am officially the grinch of Xmas. I fairly dislike Xmas from now on..
shall we tell the story? When school was going out we had to do that
gift exchange thingy, I had recived lotion and body spray from Victoria's
Secret..which was all fine and dandy until another friend had given me more lotion from Bath and Body works and days later another girl had given me lotion/body spray from Bath and Body works.. man, does this mean I stink or does this mean I have crinkly skin like old folks do or something? for realls.
I am a girl.. but how much lotion does a girl have to have? I wear nice cologn... isn't that smelly enough! Well, besides the fact that I am fairly hard to shop for, and that lotion does come in handy for rough winters like we have.. I am just plainly not a lotion girl. Do you see me in class whipping up some lotion on my hands? BTW. the only creative lotion that I had recieved was from my friend Chrissy.. so I didn't mind her's. (I just don't like genetic B and B stuff)
Anyways, if your up for Grinchy grinch grinch Xmas stories here it continues..
First of all, I'm not Christian. Yes, I do respect other Christians! Furthermore, I respect all religions..(to an extent). I volunteered to work on Xmas at Walgreens. Believe it or not, it was the busiest time of the year. I swear to god, the whole entire community was shopping.. The funny thing is, some people were buying Xmas things still.. it's xmas... it's too late! There was one couple that was buying something for their cousin's son's girlfriend or something. I mean Come on! It seems like they have not even met her before.. They found out that she was coming.. I suppose they didn't want her to be left out. but, I don't know- give her cookies and milk she'll be happy. When did people get so matarialistic? I would be happy enough to be having dinner.. I don't think I would be happy receiving some random thing that they had thought college girls would like.
yeah- I suppose I am a grinch. I just don't appreciate "stuff" anymore. Unless they were handmade/ cultural stuff. I wouldn't mind that.
I stopped saying Merry Xmas after 20 customers. You never know what their religion is, and even though the majority of this town are probably Christians, it get's annoying if you don't even celebrate Xmas. I mean I don't care when a customer says Merry Xmas to me.. but when they start talking about how bad they feel for you because you have to work on Xmas it get's tiring when you have to explain to them that your not Christian so it's not a big deal, and go on about how I didn't really have any plans anyways. Than after so many people feeling bad for you, your mentality is like, yeah i feel bad for myself. Why should I work on Xmas? than, I thought heey these people that pitty me are making me feel sorry that I work on Xmas. and there you go, too many random emotions running through Xmas.
My boyfriend was kinda mad that his mom got him a lamn present. I felt like heeey, appreciate stuff that you get from your family.. than, I was like I'm a hypocrite! I just think money is a good present for anyone. Unless you know exactly what they would like, go ahead and buy those things for them.
Part II of hating Xmas. Ben had given me a present in front of his whole family. It was a huge mural that had said "I love you" on the bottom and it had citylike features in it. (for instance, there was a dumpster in the mural) Since the mural was too big to see (it was 8x10) He had only given me a piece of paper that was black and white that had what the mural looked like. So, when I saw the picture I was laughing a little. I was crackling up, "A dumpster?? " and Ben's mom and I were joking about how romantic a dumpster was.. We just couldn’t imagine something awesome from a printed out black and white picture that had a dumpster and an “I love you” quote. Ya know how some artwork looks best when they’re gigantic and in color? Well, that was one of it. So yeah, I did make fun of the mural. By the end of the get together we were all somewhat content. Well, the ride back home was another story. Ben was in a sourpuss mood, and I wasn’t sure why. I had asked him and he had said that he was angry because he had receieved a lamn ass gift from his mother. In the back of my head, I didn’t really believe him that he was so mad because of a stupid thing like that. (he’s usually pretty rational) so I was kinda mad that he was being irrational. Well, we come to my house we fight and than he goes home and I try to go to sleep. But knowing how I don’t like to be in a fighting mood I decide to go to his apt. and everything is much better again. But, tis the reason I hate Xmas from now on.

tha end- of angsty xmas hater.